you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Prom was amazing!
Details and pictures later :]

 found it!

 

 

GRADUATION is
NEXT MONTH.

this year went by soo fast. but i'm not complaining.

I'm going to Rider.


:)

I got into Rider yesterday so now I'm totally confused. Trey leaves Michigan for Spain on Monday so I probably wont hear from him for two weeks, but for about 5 days out of that, I'll be in Arizona so it'll go by faster. The day after he gets back is prom. This year has gone by so fast. I can't believe he's already done with his freshman year of college. I thought it'd be the longest year ever since the distance was so wide but it was actually one of the shortest. I'm looking at internships already for next summer in D.C. with the Sierra Club. I think it would be a great experience and would probably look good if I choose to work there sometime in the future. Passover's over! So I can eat bread again, its a lot harder than you'd think!

The school contacted my parents and they want a meeting next Friday. My mind is racing. What can this be about? I'm so afraid they've decided I can't graduate or something. And I e-mailed my guidance counselor and he replied: "We can talk about this tomorrow, face-to-face." Someone please help me.

Sometimes optimism only lets you down in the end.

Accepted students day at UHart yesterday was awesome. My dad put in a deposit so I'm officially going there.

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

-W.H. Auden

i'm completely jealous of the person i'm closest to in life. sometimes i feel like i'm totally insignificant next to him. i mean, he's talented and that's brought him so much- being able to travel all over the world, something i may never be able to do. he's going to this beautiful school and getting an awesome education, and he has a great family regardless of what they think of me. is it possible to be able to maintain something with someone when they just seem so much better than you no matter what they do? or should you just be flattered that they've chosen you and take that as meaning you're something special, too?

kimya dawson was more beautifully amazing than i thought she'd be, and being there with lizzie made the whole thing even better :) we had a huge chinese lunch and thought it was so crazy that these hipsters were in front on the church an hour early only to come back from lunch 30 minutes before the show to a HUGE line which we stood in for about 2 hours since things were running late. but the whole thing was great nonetheless. she played some songs that she's writing for a children's album later in the year (which i will be getting obviously) and they were great- there was one about how people make it so girls think they have to look a certain way to be beautiful. i dont know it was really nice. things with trey are looking up, too. i hope everyone had a great spring break and aren't stressing too much over APs, finals, etc.

Spring break was AMAZING. Going into it I really wasn't sure because Trey and I were on kind of weird terms but settling everything face to face (Kira's suggestion) made everything work out better than I could have expected.

So, my flight was delayed going in and I kept trying to get on different flights which all got cancelled so I was in the airport from like 12 PM-10 PM. Eventually, I just went home and flew into Detroit on Saturday which was okay but Trey and I were both bumming because Friday and Saturday were the only two nights Matt (his roommate) wouldn't be there. But it was fine. Also, Friday night (when my plane got cancelled) Trey and I talked more than we had in the last month, so that eased things a little.

I flew in Saturday and Trey had a car come get me at the airport because his dad didn't want him driving someone else's car. I got to the dorm and we just held eachother for a really long time. And talked. I brought a lot of books because I knew that Trey would have classes and stuff like that to go to. So most of the time I read while Trey was in class and then we napped and stuff and talked and watched game shows because he knows I secretly love them. And then a few days before I left, I brought it up. How things were just getting a little ridiculous, how I deserved more and everything. And the frustrating thing is he did what he always does- he completely agreed. Crap. And then he told me things he never told me before. Things he hasn't even told his parents who he's insanely close with. And then he told me that its hard to talk to me about certain things he goes through in college, that he's finding himself and that's difficult and I'm not letting him do this. We got into a discussion about his frat, how I always tell him not to tell me that stuff. He explained how that's a big part of his life right now and not being able to talk to me about it is really hard. And then it hit me. I don't let him talk about a lot of things to protect my own feelings, when really the only thing that should hurt my feelings would be if he cheated which we both know he wouldn't do.

He was also frustrated about how I didn't listen to his music which is also important to him. How, when we're in the car, I automatically put my playlist on. So on my last night we stayed up until 3 in bed and played all this music he wanted to share and explained why he liked it and how it made him feel, etc. And it was really nice. Then we watched other stuff I never let him show me. Like youtube stuff and Celebrity Jeopardy and I actually liked it. And we had more in common.

Then he "renewed our vows" in a way haha, I don't know how else to put it. And I thought it might last for a little while, but I left really optimistic. He told me to call him once I landed and I did and he was asleep (we were up until 3 the night before) but then he called me as soon as he woke up to apologize. And he called for a few minutes every day since. He even just called now for no reason, and wants to call on the walk back from class too.

So for right now, he's trying and I'm trying. And I have to live in the present.

I doubt anyone read all that but if you did, thank you.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE. I gave a pint of blood today which made me nauseous and lasted 3 periods but I feel really good about it now. Michigan tomorrow :)

Lizzie and I are going to see Kimya Dawson on April 5th :)

One week until I'm in Michigan
Two weeks since I've heard from him.